I dreamt about Pickle last night.  Even in the dream I knew that he wasn't supposed to be there.  The sequence started with me watching a video I took of him on my cell phone (even though my phone doesn't take video, but those are the things your brain adds).  Then suddenly he was physically there.  I petted him, played with him.  There were people over, I was holding him and showing him off, but the people looked at me funny because they knew something was off too.  In the dream, I knew that I could be with him for 2 hours. 

I woke up gasping for air, like I had stopped breathing or was holding my breath for too long.  Then tears, then trying to not forget the dream, then drifted back to sleep.  It's been 6 1/2 weeks and the absence is still so obvious and raw.  Those last hours still haunt me when I turn out the lights.  I guess it'll just follow me everywhere for the rest of my life.

This wasn't the first dream of Pickle.  Several weeks back, I dreamt that he was in our yard in Davis looking in the window.  Again, I knew he wasn't supposed to be there but was magically appearing for some reason.  My parents were there too, in the living room and I kept pointing at him, trying to get them to see. 

I dream of Duke every once in a while too.  Just like dreams of Pickle, I see him, I can feel him, but I know that he isn't supposed to be there. 

I hope my brain allows me to continue to have these dreams every once in a while.  My unconscious brain seems to allow me to remember things and experience things that my conscious brain is unable to do.  The only problem is that dreams like these make me miss him even more.

Let me tell you, losing a loved one sucks beyond belief.  However, we all have to go through it some time or another.  Unfortunately, it's a requisite in life.

Fitness goals?

Personal trainers Gillian Michaels and Jackie Warner.

I wish life came with an "Esc" button so that when you get tired of things, you can just exit.  Something has changed.  Everything feels different.  Some connections that used to be so strong have been weakened.  Three things that used to define who I was has been erased.  One permanently, two temporarily but are on their way to hopefully become permanent. 

In two days I get to leave this continent with two people that I love.  I'm hoping that the change of environment, people, and routine will help push me in the right direction.  I'm ready for a change.  One big change has already happened almost 4 weeks ago.  I want to actively work to move forward onto the next phase.  I'm not sure what it is that I want, but I hope it's something good and that I can actually have it and enjoy it.  I'm tired of waiting. 

Sometimes I feel like I can't wait to get out of Davis even though I love this place.  However, I have a feeling that wherever it is that I go to next, I'll just feel exactly the same in a few years.  So it's a never ending cycle.  That sucks.

By the way, anyone know how to kill a crush?  Just grab a hatchet and chop?  Working on it.

What are these feelings that I'm feeling?  It's not like envy, or even hungry...  <3 <3 <3 

Credit to AD.